I don’t know if these are serious and I need to throw them off the public for feedback.  Counseling is always an option but sometimes just a good rant goes a long way towards figuring things out.

 

  My first issue.  I cannot for the love of me figure out drifting on a bike in Mario Kart Wii.  First, buy it.  If you already own it buy it again and then go buy a third copy and an additional Wii.  Store this third copy and associated Wii in an Icelandic cryostorage facility in a place where the electromagnetic burst associated with a nuclear holocaust will not harm it.  I’m not saying you need to play the game 24×7.  I’m saying once you’ve seen it, it’s like the internet.  You could do without it but why?  Back to the point.  Some bikes drift easily, some don’t.  Does the wheelie replace the drift? Is one more effective?  HOW THE EF did Lopez break the 2 minute mark on the tourney with the standard kart?  Every time I’m on pace the AI gets the wipe you out treat.  Kart has always been about the treats but this seems more like the pull of a slot machine than any other version.

 

My second issue.  I cannot bring myself to speak to Wil Wheaton.  (Star Trek: The Next Generation’s Wesley Crusher for those drawing a blank.)  I saw him at PAX in August.  There was no line at that point and still I made no move in his direction.  I didn’t even snap a camera phone shot.  I saw him again at Comicon today. (The Seattle comic book convention if you couldn’t figure it out)  The line was just starting to form and about 4 people long.  I still made no move and had no drive.  I felt bad.  He’s a geek, I’m a geek. I could get the picture for the scrap album… and yet nothing.  What would I say?  “I know you ‘cause yous was on the TV.”   Or “Your blog is OK but not enough to make read it on a regular basis.”   How about “I have no interest in your new book.”  None of these seem to work. 

 

I have twice been in the presence of a TV star and made no move to react.  Am I a bad American?

 

A pre-emptive Irish “a-ti-dilly ti-dilly toooo” to all of you out there. I know I’ve been a bit lax in my communications lately but you see I needed to take a break to go crazy… (Insert sounds of teletype machine)

Page 1

I managed to acquire the lovely flu that has been ravaging fair Seattle where we lay our scene. This was the 4 day fever followed by the chest and sinuses taking the next 2 weeks to clear out anything that has ever dared think about affecting your respiratory system that wasn’t eucalyptus related. After a week of ½ days at work and antibiotics that killed all the bugs. (including the bugs in your stomach that digest your food thus making it impossible to EAT anything that wasn’t soy-eucalyptus based) My body broke down and I had a relapse of panic/anxiety. It has been over 2 years since any sort of medication or regular therapy. The body remembers all the scary paths but the skills to deal with these gems sadly do not come back as quick.

I am recovering well, drug free, and I am surprised at how quickly the skills are coming back. Even if some days are harder than others they are managed better than they were just last week. A special thank you to Mia, Alicia, and Taj for being my core support. More thanks to those of you who dropped a line to check in and took the time to simply ask. Having a listening ear is the greatest therapy there is.

Page 2

Being in an emotionally volatile state you can imagine how heart broken I was to hear about the retirement of our beloved Brett Favre. I had long told the guys around here that the day he retired I would cry. And I did. (Let it out, it’s healthier that way) We wish him well as he cries on his huge pile of money and drowns his sorrows with bottles of Arbita while spending the day fishing.

Page 3

As if there wasn’t enough suffering in the world my PS2 flaked out and no longer recognizes my Guitar Hero III save file. If I ever want to play the game again I must start from scratch. I always thought it was a lame altera-punishment to take away kids saved games… until it happened to me. Now I know there is no mercy in video games or on the 96th hole mini-golf. (putt)

Page 4

As I had been on antibiotics I was not drinking. I stopped into the Victory (formerly the Lobo) as I was not cooking either, but they were. Relaying my tale of woe Lee in formed me that she too had the same flu. After about 20 minutes she informed me we were doing a shot. As she put up the rocks glasses she asked me what flavor I wanted. I restated that I was not drinking. She replied, “I mean which flavor of Emergen-C? Orange or strawberry?” A full service bar if ever there was one.

Page 5

It appears to be a Garfield world as this past week I stumbled upon the following. First, LIVE ACTION recreation http://www.lasagnacat2.com/

Second, Garfield is funnier without him http://garfieldminusgarfield.tumblr.com/page/1

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“There is NOOOOOOO” page 6(Python reference)

Page 7

What day is St. Patrick’s Day this year? Did you say the 17th? Then you are wrong. No, no, I don’t care what your calendar says. It is a holiday in the Roman Catholic Church. They have the say. Don’t believe me? First here’s the why fluff http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/St_Patrick%27s_Day

Here’s the support from

http://www.catholicireland.net/pages/index.php

click on the “liturgical calendar 2008” link on the upper right hand side under “Liturgy and Readings”. Look at that web page. Would you mess with that URL? I wouldn’t, to do so would be folly.

Jason “holy day of obligation takes all the fun out of it” Newquist

    I speak not of my messages but of my proclamation for movies.  There was a time when any good movie was deemed “the best movie ever made.”  After awhile the requirements for such an accolade became simply that the film had to be made and not be “The Mangler”. (my standing pinnacle of bad movie) After a well deserved rest it is time I declare Cloverfield, wait for it…  The Best Movie Ever Made.  Godzilla meets Blair Witch, maybe but so well done.  (spoiler warning) There are no explanations of its origins unless you scour the viral sites of the web and a purported back story from JJ Abrams himself.  This is what happens when a monster attacks.  Sh*t goes down.  There is no scientist with a wacky theory about how it just might be brought down… “If we only had enough toothpaste!”  This is full on run away and let the military shoot it!       

      Now you don’t see a lot of the monster but you see enough.  And while its only 85 minutes, that’s just about the right length.  It has been a long time since any movie had me so thoroughly engrossed that I really escaped into the movie.  “Giant sea monster’s gonna eat me!” indeed.    

     In a belated Christmas present to myself I picked up the statue I’ve been eyeing for so long.  (attached and yes the formal title of the statue is “bird girl”) At 41” tall it’s sizable.  I like so many others saw it when I bought the book “Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil”.  To quote Mr. Burns, “I don’t know art, but I know what I hate, and I don’t hate this.”  I find it soothing and plaintive.  Its not like that damned friendly gargoyle from Notre Dame that you can find in any statuary store, this thing is only from a few places so the odds of seeing it in someone else’s back yard, or as the center feature of their Koi pond water feature, is pretty low.

       The question becomes “How do I f*ck up the rock fight?”  Like the millionaire who cruises his pontoon boat next to the neighbor’s yacht, there is no point in having some class if you don’t remember your roots and how you got there.  I’m thinking those platters would hold my house keys nicely… maybe some pennies and small change on the other hand.     

     Finally I would like to rave about my city and why Seattle is the greatest city… for hangovers.  Today, with a mild headache induced by one more Tanq and tonic than was necessary (I remember dancing with Susie but what was the song that was so damn inspiring?) I left the house to find a perfect dusk.  Not the sepia patina at a fall day’s end, but gray.  Solid gray.  11AM and it might as well have been 4:30.  Nature put on the sunglasses so I wouldn’t have to.  No wrath of God sun, as though Jesus himself were shining a flashlight in your face asking what you’ve been up to. 

Jason “Prince of Darkness because Twilight Princess (Legend of Zelda) gives the wrong message” Newquist

             Yes yes, all you Seachicken fans (BY YOUR OWN WORDS) can now cry… Let it out.  It’ll be healthy.  Fandom aside I write to mention my day.  Here is my game commentary.  It was the most incestuous game I’ve ever see.  Grant on Grant and Jennings on Jennings action.  Did no one else catch this?  Secondly, and simply, victory includes a pie.  Yes because I drove Susie and Hillary home on New Year’s, saving them a 50 or longer minute cab wait: Hillary decided to thank me with a lattice top, sharp cheddar, Wisconsin cheese, apple pie.  It is delicious.

“The cake is a lie” Jason ”coronary” Newquist

            Oh, the title is so punny you probably should stop reading right now.  I’ll try to keep it in chronological order.  

   Pre first-item item: please take a minute to tip your 48oz for the man.   http://news.ufl.edu/2007/11/27/gatorade-creator-dr-robert-cade-dies-tuesday-at-age-80/  If there was ever a more obvious file name for a web page it would have to be “http://porn.com/this-page-is-about-sex/  

First, some housekeeping… apparently the Wilde’s love these little rants of mine and at Dan’s plea I’ve started posting these to a blog.  If you can’t wait and need to be bored at the speed of light subscribe to my rss feed, however that’s done, off the following site.  http://newq.wordpress.com/  Seeing as how everyone reading this is on the email distribution it’s not for YOU but for those of you who are FORWARDED this message.  Jason Newquist… local celebrity.  

   Us Midwesterners don’t cotton to that sort of self promotion so I’m glad that’s out of the way.  Let’s start the holiday highlights with bookends of yet another adventure as El Presidente of the condo association.  As I told many of you I had to field 4 calls in my first 2 days back in Milwaukee about the heat and how the Board had to authorize upping the heat 2 degrees, (We’ve one central thermostat on a radiant heat system which sounds like an aluminum baseball bat beaten against wrought iron.  A sound familiar to all those on the East Coast for certain.) on a trial basis, to take care of those 12.5 percent who felt it was too cold.  Now you may ask, “Why don’t you tell 12.5 percent to take a hike?”  Well, because they are both over the age of 80 and when you only have 16 units you know everyone.  It’s easy to be rude to strangers, not so much to little old ladies.  What did I find when I came back? 50% of people claiming that it was so hot that they had to open their windows.  Alas you see the weight that bears on me like a Columbian drug lord.  No seriously; uppity neighbors, hail of bullets… same thing.  Like laundry and movies. (thank you Lowe’s cinemas)   

   My trip back to ‘Stallis started with the annual WABI (West Allis Bi-coastal Invitational) which again saw UNPRECEDENTED growth.  Now I’ve mentioned that this event has had exponential growth each year it has been held, first 1, then 2, 4, and this year 11!  Some one complained that I call every year’s growth unprecedented.  I can tell you in the polite calm and democratic/half caring voice I use on the little old ladies mentioned above, that it is unprecedented.  The definition is “that which has come before” and so while it may be redundant, as long as growth continues at a rate greater than previously seen, well your grammar Nazi ways are … uhm… unprecedented.  HELL WE’RE BEATING MOORE”S LAW!    

   What did you get for Christmas?  I got adult presents.  No, not the inappropriate kind but the kind that come with aging, like cookware, new blinds, and a torchiere lamp. Isn’t growing up fun?!  Well unless you got a kidney for Christmas I also got the best present of the year.  Imagine if you will a smoking jacket with satin lining made entirely of Crown Royal bags.  I was collecting them from the bar and when I realized I had more than any gaming geek could ever use for dice bags I had the idea to give Hugh (Heffner) a run for his money.  In June I asked my stepmother to create such an item.  When she and my dad visited in August we had the sizing and discussion on layout of pockets etc.  On December 23^rd I received the final product.  I will send the pictures to Crown to see what we can get for them, and I will wear it for Halloween.  “What are you?” they’ll say.  “Who cares?  This jacket wins.” I’ll say. 

   You may ask where the pictures are.  Well, I have a lousy camera phone pic and several people have seen it in person, but I have to arrange for a formal camera shoot.  Alicia would you do the honors?  Alicia has a phantasteek (spelling error intentional) theory about personal pictures.  It states that pictures of you smiling at the camera are lame.  But pictures of you looking dramatically off camera are tolerable.  She says, “Pose like you’re at a photo shoot for the inside liner pictures of your new solo album.”   

   I beat Guitar Hero III on medium, but I’m no Jon Laack.  I had the chance to play Rock Band with a full compliment of in-room players, but I’ll save that for my non-existent gaming blog.  I will simply state that while Guitar Hero is more difficult there were two points in our Rock Band marathon where I briefly escaped real life and had the fleeting thought that things were good.  For a fleeting moment I was transcendantly happy to be on a fictional stage with real friends.  (Insert the theme from the new cad ad featuring the song by Train and the woman getting lost in the moon roof as they travel through Manhattan)  

Jason “running for re-election in 2008 and leading in an unopposed race” Newquist

(Apologies, this was for the November game, and I didn’t get to posting it on the web until now.  Holidays and all that crap!) 

For the first time in longer than I care to look up on the web two 10-1 teams played.  My beloved Packers lost.Tomorrow, those in the Packer Nation have much to discuss.  I am not here to kick off that discussion.  I am here to rant against the NFL network. First, if you are still here thank you.  If you are not interested in Packer football than you can politely hit delete as there are no other topics contained herein. 

1. CAN YOU TALK MORE?!  Head… hurting… what?  Huh?  So much color commentary… I am confused.  Where is the play – by – play guy?  Hell even Eisen sat in the studio on mute until the post game.
2. I want that blow job.  The only thing that could suck Dallas’s dick more than Collinsworth is the vacuum of space.

 Jason “rant ends” Newquist

For the first time in longer than I care to look up on the web two 10-1 teams played.  My beloved Packers lost. Tomorrow, those in the Packer Nation have much to discuss.  I am not here to kick off that discussion.  I am here to rant against the NFL network.  First, if you are still here thank you.  If you are not interested in Packer football than you can politely hit delete as there are no other topics contained herein.

1. CAN YOU TALK MORE?!  Head… hurting… what?  Huh?  So much color commentary… I am confused.  Where is the play – by – play guy?  Hell even Eisen sat in the studio on mute until the post game.
2. I want that blow job.  The only thing that could suck Dallas’s dick more than Collinsworth is the vacuum of space.

 Jason “rant ends” Newquist

“Life and how to live it” part 7
Current mood: slight buzz with a side of ennui

  Yes it is a recent follow up but I have a serious concern which will just have to wait till the end so scroll down if you’re impatient…

 

  First “Giant sea monsters gonna eat me!” (That’s not a pop culture quote but me quoting me) While I constantly remind you of my fear of deep sea critters the story just came out today of a giant sea scorpion.

http://today.reuters.com/news/articlenews.aspx?type=topNews&storyid=2007-11-21T104213Z_01_L21612777_RTRUKOC_0_US-SCORPION-FOSSIL.xml

  And while that may be a dead animal these killer jellies are not… it’s sad because salmon are tasty.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/nirelandbritainanimalsfish

 

  Fine, enough sea monsters for now but if Stephen Colbert knew of the sea threat it would be greater than the bear threat.

 

  Last week I stated that you should be watching “Pushing Daisies” but I have to be honest and tell you why.  Oh yes I could be a corporate shill, or it could be how I identify with the main character; perchance it was the special guest starring of Paul Ruebens (aka Pee Wee Herman), mayhaps it is the black comedy aspect of the writing, or it could be because one of the supporting characters is none other than “Audrey” from the Rick Morranis version of “Little Shop of Horrors”.  The movie that put the gas on my musical fire and lead me to the prettiest feather in my theatre cap.

  (WHOLLY CRAP! DID YOU KNOW THERE IS A PEE WEE’S PLAYHOUSE MOVIE!  To quote Jon Henson “IIIIt’s true.”

http://imdb.com/title/tt0837156/

 

   And now to the point of this rant.  On Saturday WA State plays WA University in the 100^th “Apple Cup”.(NCAA football)  It also happens that Boston University is playing Cornell in Madison Square Garden in what is the first hockey game in that arena in about 10 years.  These two events are occurring at the same time which means that I will be fighting for one of the two TV’s at my favorite haunt.  It also means that I will be the only one wearing a hockey jersey in a bar full of NCAA football apparel.  It got me thinking.  First, all sports fandom is part arbitrary and part capricious.  You all know that some of your loyalties are exactly as I have spake; like my fandom for the Atlanta Braves.  That aside I have regaled, REGALED many of you with this theory but for those who’ve not heard it hear me out. (Oh and spake is a word… archaic English form meaning “have spoken (of)”)

 

  One of my favorite games at a live sporting event is “What fan are you?”  There are 4 levels.

 

Level 0: “The true fan” – You are at the game wearing clothing that shows the team you support.  It may not be the official licensed replica but the colors are right and it names the team or has the logo.  At this level you may also wear gear supporting the away team as you are a fan of theirs and you are visiting.

 

Level 1: “Half way there” – You aren’t wearing the team you’re watching but you are wearing apparel from a team in the city.  I.e. a Packers jersey to a Brewer’s game or a Sonics jersey to a Seahawk’s game.  At least you know where you are and presumably how to get home.

 

Level 2: “Huh?” – Your apparel is out of market but at least it’s for the sport your watching.  I.e. Raiders jersey at a Browns vs. Colts game.  Again, at least you know WHAT you’re watching.

 

Level 3: “WTF!” – You are wearing apparel for a city that isn’t playing, for a sport that isn’t being played. I.e. wearing a Buffalo Sabre’s jersey to a Chicago Fire vs. LA Galaxy game.  (That’s NHL and MLS for those not following).  Get a lot of cats and if you’re married get divorced because you are crazy and cannot think before you leave the house.

 

Jason “I’ve a 9:30 PST game to watch” Newquist

 

P.S.  Taj, Mike, and I went to see Beowulf in IMAX 3D.  Gorgeous but I am a bit confused.  Digital Anthony Hopkins looked like a digital Anthony Hopkins.  Digital John Malkovich looked like a digital John Malkovich.  But a digital Angelina Jolie looked like a real life Angelina Jolie.  I don’t know if I’m more afeard of the capabilities of digital animation or the possibility that Angelina Jolie doesn’t really exist.

Let the pop culture nuances begin…..:namespace prefix = o ns = “urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office” />

 

  First, I would like to announce that 2 weeks ago Taj and I finished Halo 3.  I constantly fear that my geek cred may be slipping but this should suffice as dues to the union for awhile even if I am not working full time.

 

  I have a land line and no answering machine (take that fund raisers!) but several weeks ago I was home long enough to answer it and was invited to be on a marketing panel for a discussion on  print newspapers vs. online newspapers.  $75 for 2 hours.  They called 2 weeks in advance.  When I showed up there were 16 people on the attendance list.  3 showed.  I chalk this up to the selectively fickle nature of ..:namespace prefix = st1 ns = “urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags” />Seattle.  But who DID show?  Well, all I can say is that if you want people you can depend on, look no further than cat owning engineers between 25 and 32 who own a home. Because we all were.  The other 2 were married though so at some point the comparison fails.

 

  Back to the geek out point (Awww Geek out, le chic che chic, Geek Out!) CAN SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME WHY THE CEILING FAN IN OUR CONFERENCE ROOM HAS THE SAME AMBIENT SOUND AS THE BRIDGE IN STAR TREK THE NEXT GENERATION?!!!  At first I thought I was delusional, but seriously, if you turn on an episode of TNG on Spike and watch one scene where they turn on the giant plasma display to look that Microsoft star field screensaver, you will hear the background woob woob woob… woob woob woob and know I am right. Well, you would know if you stood in our conference room.  Admittedly the Star Trek star field background is lacking Pachelbel’s cannon in D but I only throw this last sentence out as an inside joke for Steve.

 

  PORN!  No wait I meant the other thing that is wholesome and American, apple pie.  Have you watched “Pushing Daisies”?  (Wed on ABC)  If not you can fix your error by watching the stream of past shows on ABC.com.  Any who, the main character runs a pie shop and brings the dead back to life, for one minute, as a side job.  3 days, 6 hours, 12 minutes and 43 seconds ago (if you watched the show you would understand) Alicia invited me over to make a pie and watch this past week’s show.  I spent a fine afternoon with wholesome cooking.  While any Midwesterner would tell you that sharp cheddar should be the compliment, we used gruyere.  It turned out fantastically however we also tried to compliment it with a caramel cinnamon ice cream.  One of the two is fine, but both together will result in an octagon fight for who is the better accoutremon.  The cheese and pie is good.  The ice cream and pie is good.  The cheese, ice cream, and pie is too much goodness for a human palate to discern.

 

   Somehow I wound up on Cabela’s mailing list.  (cabelas.com) Mayhaps or perchance it is because I signed up for it but never mind that now.   Alls I know is that if I need a Turducken, shotgun, meat grinder, or HEARING AID I have a sporting good store waiting. (for those in town, they are opening one in Lacey late Nov.  I’m taking us all there.  You don’t know it but you will thank me for reminding you what it is to be a man.

 

  WHOOH all that testosterone needs a compliment in the touchy feely sense.  I would like to do that by letting you all know that the messages with my half brother in Germany are going well and the correspondence, while adequate by male terms and sparce in female terms, is more than I ever expected.

 

Jason “Guitar Hero 3 hero” Newquist

 

   P.S.  FACT.  Leinenkugels.com tells you that the 3 states they do not distribute to are WA, OR, and ID.  FACT. A man whom will soon be called saint is from ST. Cloud MN and pays the taxes so that he can get Leinies in this state.  His pizza joint serves local beers plus Blatz, Schitz, Stohs, Hamms, and Grain Belt. They have a green bean casserole as well as a tater tot casserole.  They also have Klement’s brats and the menu clearly states that they are “the official brat of the Minnesota Twins and Milwaukee Brewers.”  Those of you from the WI hood will say so what, but if I tell you it is the same as finding a Packer bar in Istanbul then you might get the importance to us Midwest expats.

 

P.P.S.  After 8 years I have shaved the goatee.  The ladies of this list were 40%shave it, 30% keep it, and 30% “I don’t know I’d have to see it.”  Gee, you wonder why men are confused.  Would you drive over a bridge or work in a skyscraper that has a 45% error factor?   

   I had regaled, REGALED you with tales of dating oddity… but has this ever happened to you?

   Sunday I was to help a casual acquaintance move.  To help set the stage she had called twice in the past week and a half looking for help on moving the bigger things into the truck.  Each time it was “what works for you.”  I figured that if someone is asking for help and then says what time works for you, well they can use a real hand.  We settled on Saturday morning between 10 and noon.  At 9:30 she checked in, as I had asked, and I informed her that I would be running late, but would be at her place between 11:30 and 12:00. 

  At 11:45 I pulled into the parking space she mentioned.  I buzzed to find no one home.  On the way back to the car I found a cell phone on the ground; GREAT, now I have to baby sit a phone because there’s nowhere to leave it and I know I would want MY phone returned if I ever lost it.  I called her.  Nothing.  20 minutes later I was bored and checked the mystery phone.  1 missed call, huh.  I check the log… Chop called.  The phone on the ground was the phone of the woman I was trying to call!  I waited 45 minutes before leaving a note saying I would leave the phone at the bar but it’s the 4^th of July and I’ve better things to do. (Transformers movie and BBQ)

   I was stood up trying to help someone move.  Not in a date sense, not in a romantic sense, and no inclination to pursue such an option, but just flat out denial of my attempt at an honest good dead.

Here is that statement again in case it didn’t sink in… (read slower for dramatic effect)

  I  WAS STOOD UP TRYING TO HELP SOMEONE MOVE!

   I really wrote all that to gain pity so that you would click on this link…  I really wanted to call this message “Here be monsters II” but I know that some of you don’t fear Leviathan the way I do.   Any who, my love of new animals knows no bounds and here is a new critter.  Love knows no bounds and when you are in the blackness of a mile below the sun, who knows what magic may occur.

http://www.thehawaiichannel.com/news/13630402/detail.html?rss=hon&psp=news

Jason “Love on the rocks with no ice”