Oh it has been way too long but I had to wait for something unexciting to happen!

       Let’s start with the world of contracting…TEAMSTERS! No, we’re not a union mandated state so these are simple scabs.  Now here is a conduit 2 feet underground and you need to get a pull string through 200 feet of straight pipe. (Andy get your mind out of the gutter) In the fiber optic industry they had giant blowers designed to do this (D*mn it Andy! Stop!) but if you are a small sub-contractor what do you do?  Use a crappy independent film from the 1990’s of course!  Enter the bottle rocket.  Go redneck, give an apprentice a bottle rocket to light with his lighter, set it in one end and watch it shoot to the far end or die trying, then remind the apprentice to tie the string to it first, then lather rinse repeat.

       Let’s get the lovey dovey stuff out of the way.  Kristin is my type of woman… she is of the opinion that no matter how painful it is, if you are on vacation in the sticks you need to eat all major meals at a chain restaurant ala Applebees and their ilk. (A quick Kudos to Steve for having the wedding most considerate of out of town guests, EVER) Additionally, she put Underworld 2 to the top of her netflixs cue as I had her watch the prequel (#3) with me, then we mutually decided we wanted to watch the 1^st to see how well they tied into the original; ridiculously well is the answer.  Watching the second one is her drive to know the complete story.  A story of vampire/lycan hybrids.

     Let’s get the science geek out of the way.  The large hadron collider was finally fixed although not without its glitches, first there was the theory that the Higgs boson was traveling back through time to prevent its own finding. http://www.newscientist.com/blogs/shortsharpscience/2009/10/is-a-time-travelling-higgs-sab.html  Eventually we said “That won’t stop us from creating mini black holes to kill us all… game on!”  Then a bird dropped a baguette and things looked like God was trying to tell us something.  http://www.guardian.co.uk/science/2009/nov/06/cern-big-bang-goes-phut   PSHAW we say… let’s light this puppy!  And so it has been done and now we deal with our own genius. http://www.wired.com/wiredscience/2009/11/lhc-sets-new-world-record/ Ah Fermilab, how we loved you.

     Let’s get the gaming geek out of the way.  I had a chance to play test a video game for a large east side software company who will revoke my license to their software if I name them or the game, but let’s just say I got to play the sequel to “contemporary country vs. country 2”.  I thoroughly enjoyed it.  Taj  has been doing a good job making sure that we keep up on the latest shooters like Gears of War 2 etc.  (Sometimes there are aliens that come down and make a ruckus.  No one asked for this but someone has to deal with it so who’s going to step up?) But it had been a good long time since I a solid hour of individual campaign.  The Wii is not known for its hardcore gamer games.  For this I could get a game for a game system I don’t own or one part of Word 2009.  I opted for Word and figured if I got to do another I’d pick Excel and be done for the next 7 years.

    Finally, let’s get the drinking out of the way.  The economy must be getting better because I was also selected to a product survey for beer.  The questionnaire was generic but still got to the basic “How many beers do you drink in a week?” common denominator.  I was a bit curious when they called at 9:30pm on a Sunday to confirm my application, “but never mind that now”. (As it is an indirect drinking story I need channel Larry Miller http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=piPyfqAKf6o&feature=related )  As I arrived at the suburban destination bar and asked the bartender for “Marilyn” as my email from Debbie directed, I was intercepted by a Tom-Cruise-short short guy in his 20’s who introduced himself as being with the company doing the survey and said that Marilyn was with the previous appointment.  I believed him as I could see the current interview.  He had a camera so I expected him to take a quick picture, but I did not expect 10 minutes of polite first-date-like small talk; as though I was being warmed up for something.  He did take a face shot in a public place.  He assured me it was not going to show up in a facebook ad.  I met with Marilyn and she asked several opener questions… “Have you been here before?” (No) “What would you look at first before ordering? (Taps) “Which taps stuck out first?” (Mac and Jack’s but I’d pick Blue Moon out of the line up to drink.)  “How much do the tap handles influence your decision?”  Then it was time to get down to brass tacks… “What do you think of the Coors light handle?”  “What about the Coors light handle do you notice?”  “Would you say that the Coors light handle embodies mountain crisp refreshment?” (I wish I had made that last one up.)  For 10 minutes of a 15 minute interview we talked about the Coors tap handle and its design in relation to the other tap handles there.  I then received a crisp new $50 bill.  I felt like I had hit bucket number 6.  (Well bucket 6 was worth $100 bucks but you were lame if you didn’t hit bucket 3 so I had to embellish.  You understand.)  I broke it on a $2 Pabst.

Jason “I did not resort to boring you with the third Andy reference as the joke was established first” Newquist

  Only long awaited because of my laziness and hopes that Crown Royal would offer us a marketing deal…

  About three years ago I asked my stepmother, an accomplished quilter, to make me a smoking jacket of Crown Royal bags.  She was up to the challenge and what you see is the result.  56 bags, custom cut and taylored, stiched with nothing but love.  This is really a posting to her credit, I just happen to be lucky enough to be the model.

  Notice that while it is patchwork, it is symetric patchwork, this is especially obvious on the picture of the back.  Additionally, the lapel pocket is from their 2006 NASCAR sponsorship, hence the checkered top.  The two hand pockets are the same thing only from the 2007 Season.

Questions:

1. How did you get so many bags?  My local dive bar of choice gets their shipment in on Friday and was throwing out an average of 3 bags a week.  I started keeping them.

2. Is it completely made of bags? Not quite, the satin trim and inside lining are not, nor is the beadwork on the back (obviously).  While the belt looks like the gold cords that too was purchased.

3.  Can I get one?  It was agreed that she would be up to doing a second one for $10,000 and you have to supply the bags.

Click the thumbnail for a larger view.  This is our shot at 15 seconds of internet fame so share the link, just play nice.  All rights reserved by Jan and Jason Newquist 2009.

“525,600 minutes, 525,000 moments so dear. 525,600 minutes – how do you measure, measure a year?” – Rent

 “I believe in coyotes and time as an abstract” – R.E.M.

 I’ve always been interested in the concept of time and one of my “clocks” is Q-tips.  I use one a day give or take holidays and trips and I buy a 500 count box which means, that as I finish my box, I recall the last time I regaled you with such an event roughly a year and a half ago.  Where were you then?  Think about it… I know you won’t.

It’s time again to bring you up to speed.  First, Kristin and I celebrated our first year together.  “Sweetness, Park.”  We all know we can’t have nice things (plural) but perhaps we can have A nice thing… if a person can be called a thing without being insulting.  Which probably can’t happen.

Second, if you were living under the sea like the kraken you STILL wouldn’t have an excuse for not knowing that MTV’s “The State” was finally released on DVD.  The reason you wouldn’t have an excuse is because in the sea sound travels farther and I shouted it to heavens, the earth, and the sea.  If you didn’t hear me then you need a hearing check.  Read me now.  The State is the BEST SKETCH COMEDY TROUPE EVER.  Python, too British at times.  KITH? Too hit and miss.  Upright Citizens Brigade?  To niche.  The State covered it all… the well thought premise of hunting Muppets, the parody of every musical opening number that is Porcupine Racetrack, and the base cheap humor of Louie and his catch phrase “I WANNA DIP MY BALLS IN IT”.  The price of happiness is only $34.39.  I’ll wait while you order it.

Speaking of Muppets, Kristin and I went to the traveling exhibit in town.  It was good, satisfying for the price but definitely different, and not as expansive, as the one Bonnie and I saw at the Milwaukee children’s museum circa 1996ish.  (That one had the original Ulgra!) This one had a Gobo and the original cast of the “Mahna Mahna”.  Mahna Mahna himself was a recreation from the 1969 plans, but the Snowths were the original ones and both were run by Frank Oz at one time. http://muppet.wikia.com/wiki/Mahna_Mahna_(character)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ynjIoymWHvU

Next, in the world of bacon there has been an evolution.  I give you the bacon explosion.  Has anyone tried one yet?  Can we get some testimonials? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bacon_Explosion

In nerd news I am an official Enforcer for this year’s PAX.  PAX is the second largest US video game convention, second only to E3.  I will spend three days immersed in one upmanship of obscure references and hopefully a Felicia Day sighting.  Odds are I’ll get another shot to continue my snubbing of Wil Wheaton as I was denied my chance to see/not see him at spring’s Seattle Comic-con.  Reading the profiles of other volunteers at 32 I am in the upper age bracket as most seem to be 24-28.  As such I chose a screen shot of the original Pitfall for my avatar.  It is the first game I remember loving and it taught us that sometimes the best way to solve a problem is to face it backwards.  If nothing else PAX will complete my life long dream of working at a place where I get to wear a “STAFF” t-shirt.  Faux power is the best.

As most of you know I design the electrical distribution and controls for water and wastewater treatment plants.  As such I get a chance to get to the field about once a month.  We recently started a job in Skykomish where I met Jim, the electrical contractor who was doing all the work with the aide of one apprentice. 

To step back, Skykomish was an old railroad stop on US-2, about 75 miles from Seattle and yes, on the same US-2 running through upper Wisconsin and Michigan.  As was the style of the time in 18xx the railroad dumped their used oil pretty much on the ground as they refueled here.  Now in a settlement between the rails and the US gov they are decontaminating the soil in town BY DIGGING UP ALL THE SOIL IN TOWN 6 FEET DEEP!  Buildings with no foundation get moved.  Residences and foundation buildings get a moat.  The project is taking 8 years.  There are 214 people in town as of the 2000 census.  But, if you’re going to rip up an entire town you might as well put in a sewer system.  Don’t worry though, the Whistling Post, which has the best deep fried chicken this side of some arbitrary line, is doing just fine. 

Back to the story.  Now in the field of course things are a lot less formal and rough around the collar.  I’ve heard more stories about what clogs up grinder pumps than I care too, but Jim had a new one.  See Jim was proud of his work.  He informed me that “when you see this vault your dick’ll get so hard your girlfriend will be thanking me for a month.”  It was fine work.  One of the few contractors to get our design right on the first run (amazing what happens when you read the plans) but it was not THAT exciting.

Time to wrap up but I don’t think it would be an update without the latest monster report.  I know I’ve mentioned it before but someone has taken the handoff on the ongoing search.  Obviously the picture is a fake but the creature is so awesome I can only hope it proves true.

http://io9.com/5324945/the-hunt-for-the-mongolian-death-worm-begins-anew

 Jason “I’m outta he-he-here” Newquist

Wholly crap has my life been AWESOME

Not ONLY did my re-fi at an afore mentioned sweet rate but other good things happened too.

First, Kristin and I took a day trip around the sound. As we started driving north my personal goal was the Oakley outlet store as I do own enough Oakley sunglasses to feed a small African nation for a month. (currently at 6 pair) Said store happened to be next to the largest casino in WA state. I asked Kristin “Do you have a dollar?” She did and I had one dollar as well. We stopped in to take a look through the place, just a quick lap, and lose our respective dollars. On the way out I stated that we each had to find a machine that spoke to us and bet the entire dollar on the single pull of a slot. I walked off to the side stating “No payout machines are on the aisle.” I saw my target, a Sea Monkeys themed video penny slot machine. As I played my 100 credits (because god forbid you think its real money) I promptly lost my money but won 15 bonus spins, which it would gladly play for me. Over the next 10 minutes, Kristin and I watched as the alien intelligence talked to itself. I didn’t press a button or make a bet. It had its own agenda. Like the lights that flashed as the 1980’s Nickelodeon “Tomorrow People” did when they teleported, it was blinding. Credits won, multipliers gained, bonus bonus spins given. “Why is king-seamonkey, king-seamonkey, food packet, seahorse, bar, a winner but kid-monkey, kid-monkey, kid-monkey, kid-monkey, fishbowl, not?” Who cares because at the end my $1 was $51.25. I have not seen anything more beautiful and moving since the clip of the Brit girl. http://www.youtube.com/user/britainsgottalent?blend=2&ob=1

It is spring, which means I can pull out the bright colors of my American Apparel T-shirts. My only quarrel is that somewhere along the line they decided to take a normal size shirt and add 3 inches to the bottom. Aren’t kids supposed to be fat? Do they go from fat kids to anorexic emo teens? Is this the new heroin sheik or are tunics back in fashion?

As most of you know I got my P(rofessional)E(ngineer)stamp and can officially certify and be sued for my bad decisions. http://apps.leg.wa.gov/RCW/default.aspx?cite=18.43.070 The highlight was when I actually got the rubber stamp. Like the librarian in Indiana Jones “The Last Crucade” my stamp causes a thunderous noise as if to say HERE I AM. FOLLOW ME. Or when I use it to sign my checks, or use it on mailboxes to tag my turf in direct violation of the law.

http://apps.leg.wa.gov/WAC/default.aspx?dispo=true&cite=196-23&full=true

I wonder though if the terminology is correct to be a “registered” engineer. Am I to be ashamed? Do I have to go around the neighborhood letting them know I’ve moved into their community? Do I have to end every segment with a list of questions?

Finally, there is the swine flu and of course as a concerned friend you’ll ask “But are you taking precautions to protect yourself?” To which I say that I have burned every copy of Charlotte’s Web I can find as a precaution.

Jason “no one expects a drunk driver at 7:45pm” Newquist

P.S. Despite my earlier swine flu email about piglet and pooh I did not use that to steel the Charlotte’s Web joke… I thought of my joke 2 days ago, the timing is regrettably close.
PPS I wasn’t drunk, just buzzed.
PPSS “Buzzed driving is drunk driving.”
PPPSS I was totally willing to take a breathalyzer had I been pulled over. I stand by my decision.
PPPPSSS “That’s a six pack.” And a six pack costs $110, right Tom?

A fertile turtle to you all. (that’s how you fake an Irish accent, say it fast several times.) I’m going to start with reminding you that, as I said last year, for some of us St. Patrick’s Day is a holy day of obligation. For others, a chance to simply cut loose to good music, or in other words, get “jiggy with it”.

Any arse can celebrate on the weekend when it’s easy. True devotees take time off work to celebrate the important things. I started at 3 and was done at 8…plenty of time to avoid the amateurs and still be coherent for my respectable job (although it may be hard to explain why I’m sleeping on the desk.) As usual, I spent it in an explicitly NON-Irish bar. The kind where they throw a blue puck in the urinal and you can make your own green water. So long as there is a juke box with the Pogues, all is well. (Do I have to pinch my cat because he’s orange?)

As we approach March Madness I was struck by an odd cross marking event. Listen; I know that Disney owns ESPN so I’m not too bothered when I see Goofy giving his breakdown of the team during Bracketology. What DOES bother me is why my 12 pack of AA Energizer batteries decided to include a Shick Quatro razor? Are my batteries going to be prone to a 5 o’clock shadow? Is it that if I get bored I’ll try to shave the battery and then will be so impressed with the way 4 blades smoothly glide over the curved surface that I’ll be convinced that it must work for the line of my jaw or the trick of the Adam’s apple? Perhaps it’s already worked. CURSE YOU MARKETING! But really, wouldn’t it make more sense to include it with a car battery? And why be sexist, why not Lady Shick? Don’t women need AA? Or do their battery needs run closer to 9-V? A-OH! (I don’t even know what that was supposed to mean)

That’s it for me folks remember the 10:30 show is completely different from the 7:30 show; it gets a little blue so leave the kids at home. Enjoy the veal, GOODNIGHT!

Jason “You can’t claim to be Irish because you bought a box of thin mints” Newquist

It appears I’ve been taken over by the marketing machine that is Tyler Perry and it is only a matter of time before you too fall. Can you imagine the first stadium to fall? Tyler Perry’s Candlestick? Whoa, I didn’t mean to get personal. Perhaps we could knock him down a peg if we called it Tyler Perry’s field… no wait then he’s still a playa’. DA** it the man just keeps on winning.
My apparent paranoia aside I thought I was over due to bore you with the tedium that is my life. I must also say that the reason I haven’t written sooner is because my weekends have been delightfully filled with the company of Kristin, the same special lady friend of the past few months. So, instead of ranting about the awesomeness of Gambit’s appearance in the new X-men Origins movie, or the $50 beer cooler I won at the Packer bar raffle, I focus more on the delightful play of sea otters at the aquarium and the quiet nights watching Six Feet Under on DVDs.
I feel I may have failed you somehow. (Kristin please pay no attention to that last statement.)
Ok, first on the awesome list… clear duct tape. Like transparent aluminum, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transparent_aluminum why was this so hard to figure out? Packing tape was 80% there? Was it because it wasn’t in Star Trek first? http://memory-alpha.org/en/wiki/Transparent_aluminum What does this mean? It means that the duct tape wallet is now invisible meaning you money just appears to float in thin air…. ooooh spooky. http://www.wikihow.com/Make-a-Duct-Tape-Wallet
(It appears that the real threat is not Tyler Perry but wikis)
I think the next item of note is my militant running of our condo meetings for the last 2 years. I’m tired. I’m fried. I’m the only man on a board with 5 other women. We used to spend a lot of time talking about our feelings, excuse me, I spent a lot of time listening to their feelings…. Eff that. I am an engineer, I like black and white, yeas or nays as the crosswords puzzles go. I generally get one or two abstentions on our votes because they must have eaten a lot of waffles for breakfast. That’s fine, New York can abstain as courteously as it wants http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0068156/quotes but a majority rules. O’doyle rules, we’ve taken a vote, if you don’t like it kick me out because I’d be happy to go.
We did have some excitement this past week as I woke up to the acrid smell of burning plastic at 12:30 AM. I opened the blinds to see two firemen walking in our alley. I closed the window and went back to sleep. If they are already here what am I going to do? These are the actions of a concerned leader. (It turned out to be an accidental dumpster fire in our neighbors dumpster. It’s okay, our adjacent dumpster was undamaged, thank you for your concern.)
On the other side of the coin I was just elected VP of our church council. What a fantastic change. I’ve been in churches with problems, the only problem we have is our growth and how we expand to meet it. If all you do at work is deal with problems I think you can all appreciate how nice it would be to have your only problem be “How do we get awesomer?”
On a final note I do have a problem that I could use some perspective on. It seems I no longer need a calendar on my wall. For years I’ve stood by the theory that you wait until the last week of January, when the kiosks at the mall are selling at 75% off to pick up a calendar. That also means that all the January events in my life are hosed. (Sorry for missing your birthday Chris, but I do owe you money (super bowl coin toss bet) so I’m avoiding you) And yet here we are in Feb and I’ve just not felt the need to pick up a calendar of humpback whales or 396 kittens. (13 month calendar) So I settled for the vendor calendar from work. This year I will celebrate March looking at the installation of Intellibay fluorescents installed at the Corning Research Center in Granville Ohio. Sorry, Tyler Perry’s Intellibay fluorescents.

Jason “Tyler Perry’s wiki of Tyler Perry is an infinite loop” Newquist

     Under the rules of manhood, as a single straight male I am under no obligation to send out Christmas cards or an annual summary of life including some picture of my cat in a Santa hat or reindeer antlers. I prefer to bore folks quarterly, like GQ or Cigar Aficionado. You know, following a model of quality.
     With that said I am writing because if I haven’t spammed you or texted you if you’ve failed to read my facebook status, I passed my PE exam. That’s professional engineering for those who do not know. It is two 8 hour exams spaced 4 years apart. If you’ve ever seen construction prints which have a seal and some guys name on that seal certifying that your bridge won’t collapse or your retaining wall will sufficiently retain whatever needed retaining, that’s what I get to do for electrical designs. That’s right, now I can be held accountable for my errors in a court of law. I can even be personally sued! Some might ask where the fun in the power is if you can’t be evil? Well, it’s in the money. (And you can use that money to be evil. Boys we are one step closer to the dream of desalinizing the ocean!) Yes, this is worth a few shiny nickels if you work in an industry where PE stamps are required. It’s fun because the raise is about equal to the amount our dues will go up due to the large deck project the condo is undertaking!
      I am celebrating with a champagne toast at the Victory Lounge (my beloved no longer divvy divvy bar) at 5:00pm Friday. Seattle ice storm be damned. It’ll make it all the more sweet for those who can attend.
Otherwise I’m really blinded by that at the moment. Sure I met Kristin’s parents at Thanksgiving and abused their liquor cabinet, but I didn’t embarrass myself so I wouldn’t know what else to say about that.
     Finally, for those who will be in the greater Milwaukee area Monday the 22nd we are holding the annual WABI (West Allis Bicostal Invitational) at Col. Hart’s in ‘Tosa at 6:30. Did you know that the WABI attendance has doubled every year it’s been held! Did you know that the WABI distains cubed meat?! (No it doesn’t, it thinks all meat is delicious.)

Jason “Now I can afford to keep my home” Newquist

P.S. Can anyone tell me why it takes 8 weeks to grade a multiple choice #2 pencil bubble sheet exam! They count votes the same night they are cast!

  Well I’ve been quiet as of late and I can say that for once I have a good reason.  Her name is Kristin, and at (wait let me check the receipts… see it’s the only time in the past year I’ve been to that bar and I charged it so I would be able to always nail the day) almost 4 months I figure this has some staying power.  Her name is Kristin, she is effectively a native, and in school for psychology.  When she is not caring for the developmentally disabled she is evaluating convicts to see if they are particularly overly likely to become prison rapists or the victims of prison rape.  In short, her stories are better than mine.  We are still in the joyous early stages where we do obnoxious cutesy things like go to pumpkin patches and carve pumpkins with hot cider.

  In other news… damn their sweet sweet lies.  http://afp.google.com/article/ALeqM5iPJEUo1HE0HoG6fMlzlxW012DBMQ  Perhaps we should have caught wind when Bob Seger sang “That’s why I’m going to Kathmandu.”  I hear he and the abominable are like this (cross fingers for the visual).

  As promised I did attend the Packers @ Seahawks game two weeks ago.  I found face value tickets on the lower level which, as I bought them from a season ticket holder, included passes to the Wells Fargo Club.  Not only can you buy over priced beer but you can also buy overpriced BOOZE!  Next to us was a couple in their mid 30s.  She was obviously pro Seahawks; cheering as loudly as someone who doesn’t quite want to admit it by say BUYING A PIECE OF LOGOED GEAR possibly can.  I mean come on; if you’re kicking down for tickets you can at least get a logo hat.  Her boyfriend was simply drunk.  After the Seahawks score he asked me why Dad and I weren’t dancing.  I informed him that he had apparently missed the fact that we were Packer fans.  Other than Packer Zubas and face paint I don’t know what more green and gold I could have worn.  He then informed me that he hates the Seahawks and is a Denver fan.  He quieted down for a series but then leaned over to share his opinion of the Bellevue housewife in front of us.  “She’s scary.” he said in a loud whisper.  On this point I had to agree.  Take the cast of Desperate Housewives and make them all divorcees in their 50’s.  Now remember that they don’t actually know the rules of the sport they’re watching but they do know that getting the season tickets in the divorce was the only knife they had and damn it they are going to stab as best they can.

   Anyway the girlfriend of said drunk man caught his obnoxiousness and switched places with him during a cheering session so that he was on the end of the aisle.  He sulked.  A few minutes later she said “Jeremy, don’t ruin this for me.”  2 minutes later they left.  There were 50 minutes left to play.  How not to enjoy a football game… lesson 1:  The first way to not enjoy a football game is to not watch it.  Thus concludes lesson 1.

   I will admit that I got emotional at the Packer game.  There is nothing like being 2000 miles from home turf and hearing the scattered masses rallying our cry. “Ba Ba Ba da da da! Go Pack Go!”

   I try not to be confrontational but I feel I need to share my thoughts on the upcoming vote.  Here are the guidelines I use; may they help you in your decisions.  First, if they are running unopposed, vote for them.  It’s obviously a shite job and thank God someone’s willing to do it.  Secondly, if you are uninformed about the candidates for obscure local offices don’t going messing up the fight by choosing strictly on party lines.  Do what I do.  Write in the name of a friend. Think of the self-esteem boost they’ll have!

   That seems to be the news from here.  The only other thing I would mention is that when Kristin met my dad and stepmother she decided it would be wise to catch the stomach flu first.  I would tell you how she sat at the table using all her focus to avoid recreating the scene from Monty Python’s “The Meaning of Life.”  I would tell you that she was successful in avoiding that recreation, but we did have to leave early.  She was incredibly embarrassed and feels terrible about it so for those reasons I’m not going to mention it.

   Lest I make it one message with out geeking out, here’s what you can get me for Christmas… I’ll even “throw you the whip.”

http://www.hasbrotoyshop.com/ProductsByBrand.htm?BR=869&SBR=635&ST=SO&ID=22401&PG=1

 

Jason “Dan Wilde for Water District 32 council member in 2008!” Newquist

No that stat is not the number of years since I’ve had sex, that’s only 0-2.  But we’ll get to 0-3 in a second.

 

  I don’t have much but I had to say that today I attended PAX, second to E-3 as the country’s largest video game convention, and yes there is a section for board gamers and RPGers because the founders of the convention are well rounded nerds.  Finally, a years worth of video game readings justified.  From Iron Chef the video game to cheesy temporary tattoos from art institutes I will never attend it was all there.  Felicia Day, check; the production team from Rooster Teeth, check; other names that most of you don’t recognize, check. 

   And while I spent my 3 hours on a dizzying high of Guitar Hero covers and sushi based mini games the only reason to mention any of it is because I am proud to say that I have continued my streak of not speaking, when given the chance, to Wil Wheaton. (Star Trek’s Wesley Crusher for those who need the assist) (see the May 12th entry for backstory) Now some may say that I’m using him as a comic foil.  “How do we even know you’ve been anywhere near the man long enough to not talk to him?”  Well, as Bozo would say “… so you now have a photographic memento of having played the grand prize game with me. Hip Hip Hooray.”  (where upon you would open the attached picture and it would make some sort of sense)

 

  “Corn beef hash on toast Batman!”  Have you seen The Dark Knight yet?  If not why are you reading this?  You should be in line right now.  I thought it would be creepy, yeah but not for those reasons!   I’ve not needed a stiff drink after a movie since Blair Witch!  Seriously, if you’ve not seen it your life is forfeit.

 

   Speaking of things that will impact your life we have to talk about the talk of the town.  Bigfoot.  Sasquatch.  Not one but two of you wrote to inform me that he was not found here in the NW but in Georgia and today was the press announcement where DNA evidence was going to be provided.  http://www.searchingforbigfoot.com/ is the site where you can see the critter treated in full admiration by stuffing him in a cooler.  I want to believe but early follow up shows that the DNA samples provided by Cheever, Dolby, and Cooter, were identified as similar to human, an unfinished analysis, and “possum”.  So what do we know?  We know that someone in Georgia just won a bar bet.  And NO I didn’t say possum because it’s the South and I’m making a stereotype.  That mockery was in the names, the possum part is real.

   

    Several years ago it was determined that if you ever claimed to see a sasquatch you would instantly lose your credibility.  It didn’t matter if you were the PhD CEO Head of Uber Humanitarian Planet Savers NGO NPC.  “You know I once saw a sasquatch.” means you will never be taken seriously again.  So even if the folks above have a dead Bigfoot stuffed in the beer fridge it can never be proven.  As soon as a “scientist” says “I’ve seen Bigfoot.” He is no longer credible and must be written off as a fraud or at best someone trying to get in on some side action of the afore mentioned bar bet. 

 

   And maybe its Olympic fever but I swear the eyes make the thing look Asian.  Maybe it’s part Yeti.  Maybe they travel in giant underground tubes.  Who knows?  I’ve never seen one, I couldn’t tell you.

 

   That was the aperitif, this is the main course.  I was called out for not writing much lately.  I didn’t think there was much of note until last weekend when Taj and I had a chance to see the one and only “Manhandle Jim”.  How did we know his name was Manhandle?  (Jim is OBVIOUSLY his maiden name) Because it was embroidered on the back of his khaki-cutoff-sleeve-bass-pro shops shirt!   Was Manhandle effeminate?  Of course not!  You don’t show those guns if they aren’t packing.  It’s right there in the name MANhandle.  And yet somehow perhaps Handle was the part he was yearning to express.

     In fair Everett where we lay our scene… Everett is the Grover’s Corner to Seattle’s well, Seattle.  The working class, off the streets by 9 sort of blue collar town with naval roots where a man can hang his hat and the meth addicts will leave it alone.  Since Taj moved up there we’ve been checking out the scene for whatever it’s worth and when I saw a bar with cheap beer neon in the window and a NASCAR logo banner out front I was sold.  8pm on a Saturday night.  Maybe it was bartendress who was 100 lbs overweight, perhaps it was that of the 9 people there (including us) 3 were over 70… maybe it was the two folks in wheel chairs which were in the group under 70, but when they turned off the Olympics I knew something magical would happen.  The magic of Karaoke night.  What 2 words can bring together such a strong vivid reaction?  Oh yeah, overly lit with refrigerator in the background Manhandle Jim belted out the finest country opener he knew how.  In a town where “that sort of thing” could be frowned upon Manhandle made the best of his closeted life and decided to let his release be in his music.  If there is an iota of rest to be found in laserdisc (LASERDISC FOR god’s sake!) karaoke he found 2.  To bad there was none to share.  God speed Manhandle. 

   

Jason “no gold but here to meddle” Newquist